A Confederacy of Dunces
(with apologies to John Kennedy Toole for stealing his title)
A Confederacy of Dunces was broadcast on The Mike Malloy Show December 17, 2012.
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Below is an excerpt. To read the rest of the words go here:
The day before we unwittingly walked into a church, children were slaughtered in an elementary school in Connecticut. Since that horrible day, Stupid People and the Media Goon Squad have blamed the tragedy on video games, liberals, the removal of God from the schools, and the fact that the school’s principal wasn’t armed and ready to return fire.
Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit and pissed off The Almighty so bad that no sacrifice could mollify Him. Only a Perfect Sacrifice would satisfy the Big Guy. But humans aren’t perfect. So what to do … what to do …? Here’s A Plan.
1.) Using a little Supreme Being hocus-pocus, allow Mary to be born without Original Sin.
2.) Inside that pristine uterus, mix one egg, some celestial semen, and bake for nine months. Out pops a Perfect Human, The Son of God.
3.) When The Son of God is old enough, have some Jews nail Him to a cross and kill Him.
There ya go … A Perfect Sacrifice. God the Father was placated, The Holy Spirit got laid, and after three days The Son of God came back from the dead (a little worse for wear but outside of a couple of holes in his hands and feet … good as new).
When I was a little kid, I was surrounded by nuns and priests who told me that nonsense was true. I didn’t know anybody who had the balls to go up to Sister Mary Insanity or Father Pedophile and tell ’em the basis of their faith was gibberish. So I never thought about the merits of The Story. But one day I did think about it. An unused node in my brain woke up, the Hillbilly nodule I think it’s called, and it said, “That Don’t Make No Sense.”