It’s All True Everything They Tell You Is A Lie


It’s All True  Everything They Tell You Is A Lie

It’s All True  Everything They Tell You Is A Lie. Broadcast on The Mike Malloy Show July 09, 2012.

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Below is an excerpt. To read the rest of the words go here Permalink:

You can tell because their lips are moving.

What should we do with Occam’s Razor? Cut the Gordian Knot … or our own throats? Now we can do the “To Be, Or Not To Be” two step all day long but by the time the clock tolls the Midnight of the Soul … what are we going to do? Do we snuff it and light out for the undiscovered country or do we take back the one we live in?

Once Upon A Time we believed everything we were told. While we were being taught how to dress and feed ourselves we were also beginning to learn a bunch of baloney. I learned how to tie my shoes just in time to walk to school to learn about God. As it turned out, I didn’t need to know those two things.

I was in my twenties when I stopped tying my shoes and bought boots and sandals. I discovered that if I bent down to tie my shoes when I had a really bad hangover my head would explode. The solution was different footwear … not abstinence.

I jettisoned God in the first few seconds after receiving my first Holy Communion when I was seven years old. The delusional nuns and priests had led me to believe that I was going to be filled with Jesus Christ the moment the wafer touched my tongue.

I waited. No heavenly flash-bang. So I chewed up the Body of Christ and swallowed him. Maybe He had to hit the stomach before He made His presence known. Nope. Not a peep from the Son of God. Not only that … He didn’t even taste good. In fact … He didn’t taste like anything. A Necco wafer had more going for it than the King of Kings. So my first realization was that Jesus tasted kind of blah … and my second realization was that I had memorized a ton of nonsense for nothing. I had to take catechism classes and after those were done, I had to go into the confessional closet and confess my sins to Father Powers. How many sins would a seven year old have committed? I was on the spot and had to think fast. Just what the hell had I done? I’ve never really been very good at extemporaneous speaking. I stumbled and mumbled until the priest finally got tired of my litany of kiddy-krimes and gave me what turned out to be the typical penance of 5 and 5 with a bump.

Five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and bring it on home with an Act of Contrition.



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